Dad has cancer.
I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship that I can't get out of because I'm a coward and I still love him.
Failing most of my classes.
Hurting myself.
Barely eating.

Things can't get much worse at least.
Hopefully the only way to go from here is up - It's getting difficult to stay positive.

Oh how much I love making costumes.
;D
It looks like it's once again time to start with the Cosplay Tango.
It's always fun going solo(costume wise) to conventions, but it looks like this year will be all about the group.
Hence why it's the Tango this year instead of simply a dance.

Ummm...random question, but does anyone know where I could get some quality SPANDEX?
XD

Racing down the street, ACDC blasting as loud as our old truck’s speakers will allow, crammed into the front seat with a friend, and terrified for my life as my brother makes frightening turns through dark suburban streets. It’s so many things all at once, and I can’t help but think how amazing it would be if the rest of my life was just like that; A chaotic mess of laughter and loud music accompanied by cold wind and the mild sense of danger. A chasm of feelings that somehow manage to compliment each other help me to realize that I’m not the one driving, I’m not in control. The only option is to sit back in my seat and enjoy what I’ve been given, making sure I’m buckled in tight, of course.

I am most undeniably...in love.
And I feel fantastic.
For the last..3 months, I have been dating the sweetest and funniest guy in the world.
He's the first guy I've dated who likes to take things slowly like me.
He enjoys simply sitting with me and talking or holding hands.
As apposed to acting like hormone-driven teenager.
We share so many things in common as well as agree on the majority of our values. And the ones we don't? Well he respects my views and I respect his.

This is the first relationship where I feel like there isn't a single ounce of pressure or any sort of negative feeling at all. Any issue is easily solved by talking and we're both able to make each other smile when the other one feels down.

And the best part of all, aside from everything else about him which is all so incredibly wonderful...
He understands all of my strange quirks, and is more than happy to just be there if I'm having a tough time. He knows that I'm a bit OCD, and will sometimes do things with me so that I'm not embarrassed. If I get nervous, he'll help out or say something so I forget about whatever is stressing me out. It's hard to explain exactly what he does, but I feel like I don't have to worry about anything when I'm around him.

I feel horrible when he's sad and it breaks my heart when I don't know how to help him...but I've learned that just being near him when he's having a hard time is a big help. And he's returned the favor so many times. It's almost as though being around each other has a sort of...calming affect, and everything that's wrong doesn't matter because at the moment we're happy.

You guys, I really can't explain how amazing I've felt these last few months. It's like all of my problems are starting to sort themselves out and everything is getting easier now that I have someone like him. He's the first boyfriend...no...the first PERSON who I've ever felt this way about...it's really fantastic. This new support and new FRIEND is exactly what I've needed and wanted for so long. I can't believe I've gotten someone so wonderful like him...I'm so grateful and lovestruck.

I finally know what it feels like to be in love.

I'm so happy.

Anybody listening?
I'm really sick right now, and it might be nice to talk to someone.
I think I'll head over to the hospital tomorrow, or have my friend take me if I'm too dizzy.
Meh...
I think I just need a hug, even if it's only a virtual one.
<33

I hate my medication.
Combined with my allergies, I'm totally dead tired all the time.
My back is acting up again, and my knees are being strange like they used to be when I was a LOT younger.
I guess as of now, I'm a walking disaster in terms of health.
Which is funny, considering I've been making sure I eat "good" foods.
Gaaaahhh---
No fair.

Oh well, maybe a couple days rest will help me out.
I'm finally finished with my exams, and so I've got Summer Break ahead of me.
That's nice.

There's also the new plot twist.
Mystery Man, that's what I'll call him, has come into my life...and things are turning out quite well. I'm hoping I don't get let down again, but something about this guy seems a lot different. I feel like I like him a lot more that how I've felt about guys in past relationships.
Hurrah~<333

Uhh...I'm just a bit down at the moment.
Nothing big, but I felt like writing about it just to relieve a bit of my stress.

See...I went to a dance tonight(because my friends pretty much dragged me out of the house), and danced with a guy, pretty much the ENTIRE night. It was a ton of fun, and I felt great about myself, considering how anti-social I've been as of late. And as it's getting towards the end, I feel way too hot, so I run off to get a bottle of water. When I come back, it's the last song, a slow song, and I get excited. You know, I figured I'd end up dancing with the same boy I'd been dancing with the majority of the night. Nope. I swear, it was like a corny movie moment. I walk in, all smiley, weaving through the crowd to get back to where I'd been before, only to find the boy making out with his GIRLFRIEND who had shown up late...as in 10 minutes before the dance was over. WTF? So I just quietly grabbed my stuff and left.

It was an hour drive home, and it started to rain. GREAT...nope. My breaks, which were supposedly fixed, weren't working very well, and I nearly had a heart attack 5 times when I thought I wouldn't stop sliding.

Later, a friend of mine calls when he's leaving the party...just to let me know that he ended up hooking up with someone. And that definitely didn't make me feel very good...but I'm happy for him regardless. ;D

Eh.
So a should have been fantastic night, was ruined.
<3
I really need a boyfriend.

Took a vacation(sort of) for Spring Break.
I feel so insanely relaxed and happy.
Looks like I've climbed out of that nasty ditch...
I've got classes again tomorrow, unfortunately.
Oh well, a week off from things really made me feel a ton better.
I've also finally found the time to fix up a few things and head over to the doctor.
<3

My mom's birthday was last weekend.
She kept saying things about how I was too young to be staying inside all the time, and an 18-year old shouldn't be so unsociable during her senior year.
Despite her teasing, I still didn't go to her party with family.
D;
Hopefully I'll start feeling better in time for Spring Vacation.

Also- I've got a confirmed job this summer~!
It's nothing exciting, but it'll get me some nice monies.
:D
Insurance(filing papers and organizing/approving claims).
4 hours a day during weekdays from 8am-noon.
$10 an hour.
So...about $200 a week.
I'll make quite a bit this summer.
Plus, I've still got my normal nanny duties.
$7 an hour, 7 hours, 3 days a week.
About $50 a day...so $150 a week.
I'll be making $350 a week.
;D
Sweet.

Alrighty, so I was originally going to sit down and write out something related to Organizaiton XIII.
But instead, I got this.
I'm not really sure what this is, but I liked it a lot so I'm posting it.

Also--this is a really happy and optimistic song.
So, try to read this thinking happy thoughts.  I just realized how easily this could be interpreted as the exact opposite of what I'm aiming for.

Also--- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YUxbDEPFiM
That is the song/music video.
It's a really good song, so I recommend you watch the video.

Obviously, I haven't written anything in a long time.
And with good reason, although obviously life isn't perfect, mine is steadily improving.
It's hard to explain exactly what in particular is changing, but I think it may simply be my outlook on life. Please disregard how horribly mushy that sounds, but hell, everyone can be cliche every once in a while.

Another thing that's really gotten me happier is I've finally got time to work on my story again. I started a project sometime waaay back before high school even, and last year I abandoned it. I'm now going back and re-writing everything because I want to finish what I've started. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll ever post it, let alone have anyone read it. This story is too personal to me, not in the sense of it relating to my actual life, but the characters, the settings, the plot, it's all taken me so long to create. I've come to love every part of it, and feel a stupid/strange connection to every little detail. It's just going to be something I did for myself. Which I think I deserve.

About my last journal-- Although none of what I posted was false, just know that I'm not sad anymore. I wasn't when I wrote it either. Sometimes I just like to put things that are frustrating or confusing to me on "paper" so that I can organize my thoughts.

Also, I've got a convention coming up soon. If you live in the Chicago area, you might know what convention I'm talking about (it's actually in 100 or so days). I'll be at this convention, if you can figure it out, but I promise you won't find me even if you look hard.
XD
I know, I'm a jerk. But this journal is supposed to be secret from those I know in RL.
<333

So much snow right now, so I'm off of school/work.

I have a lot of things I'd like to get off of my chest.
And since nobody I actually know in real life knows about this account, I'm going to use this journal to post them.

I don't hang out with the geeks because I want to, I hang out with them because nobody else will talk to me.

I cry because I didn't when my cousin killed himself.

I remember the day I met a girl in school, I also remember the moment a week later when I found out she was dead.

I watched my dog be put down, and I really wish I hadn't.

I'm not who I say I am...online...and in real life.

There are a lot of medications I should be taking, but I'm not because they make me feel artificial.

The only reason I don't sleep at night, is because I'm afraid I won't wake up.

I only draw because I love it when people ask me about what I'm doing.

I dress differently from my friends so that people won't think I'm hanging out with them.

I know I may be selfish at times, but it's only when I feel vulnerable.

People don't understand why I'm always so happy. I don't understand why they should care.

The only reason I try to help other people is so that I can feel better about MYSELF.

I feel fat.

I don't like compliments on my appearance, it only makes me feel worse.

I've sometimes wondered who would miss me if I'd succeeded, and I think my cat may be the only one.

Nobody ever invites me to anything and it makes me feel worthless.

I don't want to grow up because I CAN'T.

I cosplay because I know people love the characters and will be nice, even if they don't like me.

I get dirty looks from people when I smile.

I don't have a sense of humor, and I really wish people would stop pointing that out.

Sorry for being annoying, but I really wanted to put a few things down.
I'm not sad, I'm just confused, and I want to put everything where I can easily see it.
Just ignore me.
;3

You know what.
I'm tired of this crap.
I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired of being alone.
And I'm tired of being taken advantage of.
I'm changing myself.
And the steps I'll be taking are these.
1) Delete old and sorrow-induced journal entries.
2) Take my vitamins EVERYDAY
3) Study
4) Try out for dance
5) Be active
6) Start writing again
7) Stop caring about boyfriends and other superficial crap
8) Work on comic characters again
9) Spend more time with my brother
10) Keep myself busy

I'm not going to keep slowing myself down by continuing to go about life the way I do---I WILL BE WHO I WANT TO BE.

So.
This journal isn't really about Halo 3...but I swear it'll lead up to it in the end.
;D

Anyway--Life has been good lately. Been taking my sleep medicine and actually getting a full night's worth. Feeling a lot more energized and a lot less sick. Life is pretty decent. Still a bit mopey and slightly distressed, but that's my normal. xD Ehh--Everything is pretty good right now.

I've realized that I don't really want to be in a relationship--I've also noticed how much of a child Greg is. He's a downer who goes out of his way to prove ANYTHING you say wrong. Though most of the time he just ends up spewing out utter bullshit...it makes me laugh when I think how much of a hard time his life is going to be like in college when people get tired of taking his shit and someone ends up clocking him in the jaw. Maybe then he'll finally learn to keep his biased and unsupported opinions to himself. Haha!~

On to Halo 3--sort of. I went to a friend's birthday tonight. Brought over my 360 controller so we could all play Halo 3. Well--turns out I'm the only girl there. So I figure I'll let the guys all play Halo, and I go into another room to play Nintendo Wii. I played MySims for 6 hours. OHMYGODWHATTHEHELL?! It's so cute that I almost didn't get bored after hours of doing the same thing. It seems like just as you're about to stop playing because arranging blocks and collecting "essence" is starting to get dull...and then---BAM!---these unbelievably adorable characters start playing in the fountain, dancing, having picnics, and giving speeches in Sim-type jibberish. ANNDD!! You get to customize what pitch your sim will blabble in! :O
It's pretty awesome--then again I was drinking a lot of that Halo 3 mountain dew crapola---I'll just blame the sugar in that and the ice cream cake his mom was stuffing down my throat.

So then-- I finally borrowed a flash drive from my friend with FLASH on it! Now I can actually start drawing decent pictures for my Deviant art account~

Finally--Halo 3. I loved it. All I really did was play around in editing mode for the entire 2 hours we played, but it was hell-a fun. ;D When you're in editing mode, you're the oracle. So I was just running around while everyone else was fighting--I'd delete vehicles and rare weapons just as people were about to get them, and in some cases during mid-flight. xD It was so much fun. We then created a game called "Kill the Oracle", needless to say--It's the best game ever. As revenge for constantly being blown to bits I then proceeded to delete all spawn points except for one. Every time a person would re-spawn I'd drop a tank on their head, or give their enemy a rocket launcher or flame grenade. So---much fun was had, and if you haven't played Halo 3 yet...well...you're missing out on a pretty awesome game.
;D

G'night!~<3

So, anyway.
These last two or so weeks have been hectic beyond anything.
I'm not sure where to start, but since I know already that this'll be a long journal entry...I am once again asking for help because I STILL don't know how to make a cut. I tried searching on google, but what I find doesn't work for me when I use the codes the sites provide.

I guess I should just go in order of the events that have taken place over the last few weeks.

First, my cousins from Florida left for home the day before my friend from Washington flew in. I only had one day to relax from the previous week or so...and I was really worn out. My back had been hurting a lot that week and I woke up with a mysterious bruize on my ankle...which turned out to make walking QUITE difficult. And of course, my friend only wants to walk all around downtown. She can be stubborn, even more than me, so we obviously ended up spending all of last week in Chicago. And CHRIST was it hot. But, like always, I managed to have a ton of fun with my friend even when we were doing nothing. We've known each other for over 7 years and it's surprising we get along so well, considering we're exact opposites.

Also, over the last two weeks, I've managed to save up about $500. I spent about $75 on some new shirts at the mall, so really it's only like $425 saved. But that's not really important.

NOW, here's the major reason why I've decided to post. I have HORRIBLE sunburn. WHY? Well, it's actually all because of something that happened last Friday.

I found out about a month ago that my dad and I would have to go visit my grandma in North Carolina because apparently she had fallen again and because her health was already pretty bad, the surgery and therapy she had/has to go through may be too much for her. She's REALLY old, 80-90's old, and she's pretty sick almost all the time. She doesn't even remember me much anymore, which is a shame really because I remember she used to be such a smart and outgoing person. She'd go to Africa, Egypt, Europe...all over the world and she would bring me books and other little things she'd found. I still have almost everything she's given me...it makes me a bit sad, actually.

Woah, got pretty off topic there, didn't I? Okay, so, back on track...

My dad had said he would make sure we went to visit during a time that wouldn't interfere with marching band. Of course, he forgot this promise and I ended up missing the entire first 10 hour day of camp. So, what does any of this have to do with my sunburn? Well, since I hadn't really known when we were going to be returning from our trip, I brought along the three pairs of pants I would normally wear to marching band. The pants protect the backs of my knees from the sun, but they're also loose and don't get very hot when I'm in the sun. :D So, when we returned literally 2 hours before I had to go to camp, I didn't have any of the clean pairs of the awesome pants. I also didn't have any clean short sleeve shirts, so I ended up having to wear a tank top and shorts. I figured that I'd just use some sunscreen and all would be well. Apparently not...the first and second days of camp went well, I was actually slightly dissapointed that I hadn't gotten the slightest bit tan...of course I'd regret that after today. I put on my sunscreen like normal, but because I'm an idiot, I hadn't checked the SPF...and I grabbed some crap brand 25spf stuff. When we finally got inside after being out for about 4 hours one of the girls in the flute section sitting behind me starting freaking out and asking if I was alright. I was confused, because I had no idea why she would think something was wrong. She then took me to the big wall mirror we have in the band room and showed me my back. I am not kidding when I say that it was about at red as the dark red in my icon's background. Now I have ridiculous tan lines. But no...that's no the worst of it. The backs of me knees are also light red and hurt horribly.

I've used aloe vera...but it isn't doing much good.

And people wonder why I hate the summer sun?

Oh, and I still feel really sick. D: I nearly fainted a couple of times during camp...even thought I had to fill up my huge water bottle nearly 4 times. Thank god we only have one more day to go! ;D

So I'd meant to make my last entry about TRON, but I ended up cutting it short because I was exhausted. xP Sorry, that was a pathetic little entry and I feel stupid after reading it over.

So, I watched TRON. It was a good movie, and I wonder what it would look like if it were to be re-made using the technology we have today. At first I couldn't stop laughing because the costumes looked ridiculous, almost made out of cardboard. But after I got over that and how simple the arcade games were I actually started to like it a lot. The plot was interesting and I was finally able to get the South Park Moses joke after all this time. And hey, Moses could be the MCP if he hadn't been stopped by Tron and Flynn...that girl doesn't count.

I think it would have been a cooler movie if Flynn had been able to do more because he was a user. They had him restore power to that girl, but I think it was less than a second long so it was hard to catch that he'd even done anything. It would have been interesting to see Flynn do more because he could have just been another program and it wouldn't have made much of a difference.

All in all I liked TRON. If I ever become a movie maker I swear I'll remake it.

Alright, Greg is coming over again today and we're going to play Twilight Princess AGAIN. I can't get enough of that game, it's the first Zelda game I've actually taken the time to complete. Those games are a lot of fun and I recommend them to anyone who hasn't played them before.

So, Greg accidently left his Wii over at my house last night. I spent most of the day playing Legend of Zelda then at 7 Greg came over and we watched Tron.
He literally just left and I was to lazy to give him a ride...so I had my brother do it instead.

Tomorrow is Father's Day and my dad will be working.
I guess it'd be good if I explained what my dad does exactly. He's a fire fighter, a Lieutenant.
He works 24 hour shifts, so he works a day and then gets two off. He was working on Thursday and got a hire-back (work another shift) Friday so he only had today off before tomorrow.
Greg and I might go see that stupid Surfs Up movie because we've seen everything else that's in theaters already and what a better way to waste time than to go see a movie about fukin' penguins. Seriously though, am I the only one that has noticed Disney...Pixar (whoever they are)has like a penguin fetish or something? Seriously though, what's with all of the penguin movies lately?


Whatever, I'm tired so I'm making absolutely no sense right now.
G'Night.

Well Greg should be calling soon. He said we could hang out today before we get together with a few other friends to go see the new Fantastic 4 movie. I'm looking forward to it I guess because I haven't seen a lot of my friends since school ended. It still won't be that great though, considering Elliot, Sully, Marissa, Jenny, and Hannah are all out of town right now and Patrick hasn't been heard from in MONTHS. I wonder if he's still in rehab, I'm a bit worried though.

I'm definately not as sad as I was last night, but I still feel a bit down. We didn't have anything to eat in my house like always so my mom got mad when she found out I hadn't eaten breakfast.

My dad got a hire-back today, so I'm home alone right now just sort of messing around. Dancing with my iPod and practicing flute because I have a lesson tomorrow. Billy (my brother) is home from college and decided to run off and play D&D with his friends for the entire day so I guess we'll just have to hang out some other time this summer.

I've lost weight apparently...
From 132 to 123 in a few weeks. I didn't do it on purpose, but I hadn't noticed and neither had anybody else so I guess it's not as bad as it seems. I want to lose more, but I'm not sure how to do it while staying healthy. Is it even healthy? I don't know, but if it isn't noticeable by my parents or friends then I guess it isn't as severe as I think it is. Whatever, I should just forget about it because it doesn't seem like it'd be that important.

Greg should be over soon and we're going to play Twilight Princess again. He called me this morning because he felt horrible about yesterday. I told him it was alright and that I wasn't mad, so it looks as though that little problem has been settled.

OHGOSH it's nice outside. I can finally wear the new sweater-shirt-thing I got last week because it's finally cool outside. This is going to be a good day, I can tell already.

AGHHH!!!!
Midna why must you torment me so? D: 

I recently started playing Twilight Princess on Nintendo Wii.  Greg has decided that he'll bring the system over after his classes end at noon...EVERY DAY. xD  So he let me start my own file on Twilight Princess and I beat the first dungeon with those stupid monkeys yesterday.  Then we got bored and watched Hannibal Rising.  -shudders- Incase I hadn't already been scared shitless by the though of being eaten by zombies or vampires, now I'm afraid of cannibals.  How would cannibals...live together? 

"Darlin' you look good enough to eat."
"Oh hunny you're such a joker---is that barbecue sauce?"
"Yes."

Note to self: Don't marry a cannibal.

I guess I should write something more important now considering I do have a lot on my mind that doesn't have to do with consuming human flesh, believe it or not.

Summer has been boring.  Greg, Samara, and I are the only ones who aren't away on vacation so life has been DULL.  Sully is in Italy, Elliot is in Orlando, Grant's in his own world, Marissa won't be here for a few more weeks, Hannah and Jenny won't be here until July 2nd, Nick has been sick for the last week, and I lost my cellphone so I don't have Wendy, Rachel, or Brent's phone numbers.

I just feel sick.  It's too hot for me to handle and my dogs seem to agree.  They've even started sleeping in the bathroom because of the cool floor tiles. 

Ugh.  If anybody...ANYBODY reads this, tell me?  I just want to know.  I doubt anybody does, but I've just been wondering.  I swear I'll start posting my story soon, I just need to boost my confidence and convince myself that I won't be buchered alive if you all don't like it.  It has the potential to be an amazing story, but I just can't help but wonder if I'm the right person to write it.  I know that sounds downright stupid of me, but I'm not a very rational person when I get worked up about something.

Anyway, the stupid advertisment on the side of the screen is bugging me so I'm going to submit this journal before it drives me insane.